a life without regret

i have the habit of acting quite impulsively when it comes to matters of the heart (or pants). up until my trip to the developing world, i thought that this was a pretty cool habit. MAN, have sights of poverty, hardship, and Brasil changed that perspective! before coming here i had already decided that i needed to be celibate for a year. the weeks before graduation were filled with more drama than i will ever say in this blog. i was reckless and dumb and i have been having nightmares about some of the HORRIBLE choices I made during undergrad. I think i've had sex at most 10 times...at most. Of these ten times I didn't get off not once, and I didn't even like the guy I had most of the sex with. UGH! Its even hard to type these facts. Shame, shame, shame, wtf was i thinking about. ahhh then it hit me.

i came to school a virgin and graduated with 2 and a possible (this isn't spades, but i'm not counting the possible) sexual partners (not including dome). how did this travesty happen? i was trying to make my life more interesting by getting involved with men. and to think i refer to myself as a blackgirlgenius...UGH! anyway, 2 and a p, some embarassing sexual experiences, and 4 years later i feel like sending an apology letter to the boys i messed with. they probably don't give two shits about what happened, but i do. it is literally haunting me what i did with some of these young men. using people for dome or sex or attention is sooooo not cool. i don't know why i thought it was interesting to toy with people in that way, but before i start the blogging equivalent of johnny gill/keith sweat begging for forgiveness; i'm sorry. i am 98% sure these men don't read my rants anyway so i will have to get my scary behind together enough to apologize in person...UGH!