determination

for those who know me, ya'll know i suffer with some serious anxiety. as brilliant and as wonderful as i am, i live in a constant state of fear. i have a meltdown pretty regularly off of the everyday normal stuff, so you can imagine how i've been acting while trying to buy a condo. i have been LOOSE...do u hear me (read me, lol). i really have been out there, but i think i got myself together now. there is a lot going on in my life. essentially, i live with my ex-boyfriend, which is a bad look, just a horrible look. we were roomates...then we messed around and caught feelings... and because we know its best we are calling it quits at least for the moment. it sounds crazy and it only sounds crazy because it IS! but anyway, like i was saying, i am getting this life of mine together: ENTER BUDDHISM stage right. i am buddhist. and because i live in fear (check the beginning of this post) i don't tell everybody because i fear the possible reactions. see i ain't no DUMMY, people in the South especially love their JESUS and i am not trying to defend myself or my practice to the closedminded with good intentions. i understand that people are really trying to save my soul from what they believe is eternal damnation but christianity just ain't for me...but back to the point so....

Buddhism is a wonderful and powereful tool. i periodically go in and out of practice (this is bad) but i always know that when i am feeling my most looney, Buddhism will allow me to take some control over my life. we, Buddhists, believe that through our practice we have the ability to change our lives. and as i chanted today i felt the most amazing feeling come over my body. i felt my life changing. i felt my perspective changing and instead of thinking about all of the problems i think i have like the house and the roomate ex boyfriend and many many more, i started thinking about the root.

the root, my good friends is that nasty fear monster. so often, too often i let that fear make me its $2.00 whore and have its way with me, but today for the first time i felt that fear leaving me. fear is such a paralyzing thing. but its me that gives it power. anywho. its nice to have a new determination, a new lease on life, if u will :)