22

every year during the month of august i become more ambitious and focussed about life and i even become a little anal about aspirations...it happens. but its a joyful occasion to me, i love being ambitious. it is a HUGE part of what makes me me. Me without goals is like atlanta without lil jon or harvard without rivh kids...it's unheard of. even when i am being lazy i am still plotting inside my head. last year i was so worried about being an adult, and becoming a woman. well, life surely taught me a few things this year to welcome me royally into adulthood. this year, 22, is about living my dreams. even though i am mighty goal oriented, there are some things that i still have a lot of inhibitions about. i would love to rid myself of those this year. i would love to really live very passionately this year. doing things that i always dreamed of doing. i am finding out that there are so many parts of me that i haven't explored because i was scared of someone's reaction or my own self-judgement. this is a big fat waste of time. "can't worry 'bout what another __ think, now that's liberation and baby i want it"-andre 3000

i am

a large part of my coming of age process has been revealing who i am to people. some things that i knew about myself or felt about myself i never told anyone. so ur thinking oh...she's gay. no i'm buddhist and i'm black. these two things aren't very common among Black folk in the U.S. so a lot of my friends don't know that this is who i am because i am too afraid to tell them. i don't want to be damned to hell or anything, but its not fair to share only half of myself. it is a pretty huge part of my life. i have an altar in my room, pray twice a day (for about an hour on a good day), and try to live my life by the tenants. ugh! i'm buddhist and it works for me. i'm not really one for justifying decisions to people. so yeah. that's it.

everybody's gotta live, right

originally this was gonna be my recollection of a crazy night in niteroi, brasil when some kids and their crazy momma through firecrackers at my feet, but then this motherf!@#$% got a girlfriend and i lost my mind. hmmmm. i'll start at the beginning (sure hope he isn't reading it because its painfully obvious that my heart accidentally got kicked in the NUTZ) so i meet dude five years ago, hit it off, start messing with him heavily, have a little psychotic episode about how this guy couldn't really like me and i lose his number. (aight so i'm a little crazy if u couldn't tell.) four years later he's looking for me via facebook and i'm looking for him via the WWW and we find each other and start chatting it up over IM. i am a big "omg this is fate" person, but i didn't tell him that because i didn't want to freak him out. so anywho we live on opp sides of the universe it seems but met up back home and tried to have sex. (yes ladies and gents...TRIED!) i always told myself if i see him again i'm gonna foder (portuguese word for u know) him. whether i saw him at the movie theatre or a baseball game i was gonna foder him on the spot. so i had my opportunity and i tried to. so it didn't work out. after the sex, i felt myself getting too attached to this dude and since i knew i couldn't have a relationship with him i told him i was sprung. we were sayin i love u on the phone and all this madness and my heart is way too fragile for that ambiguity so i told him i had to fall back from our ambiguous friendship and that i couldn't talk to him until i got over him. (my futile attempt at maturity) fast forward 3 months when i am a fully functioning human being again and calling myself over him and we're talking again being friendly then fast forward a month and this motherf!@#$% has a girlfriend. WHAT! i mean yeah this post is written by a mad woman that wants what she wants when she wants it, but that's besides the point. (or is that the point) however absurd my feelings are it doesn't take away from the fact that him in a relationship hurts me and makes me want him to want me more than ever. yes i know this is craziness, but this is me.