below average

perhaps it is because i have been bred to achieve. i have been trained to not just attend class but to have perfect attendance and not to just win the game but to shut the other opponent out. perhaps it is because for most of my early life being outstanding was the norm... well flash forward to now. i won a fellowship to go to brazil at 20, was teaching at 21, and was closing on a home by 23 and at 24 i am feeling very very below outstanding. thus by way of the aforementioned logic, i feel somewhat below average. i am applying to graduate school. trying to estimate which schools are too lofty to waste the application fee and which schools might actually let me in. i pull out my year and a half old GRE scores (another one of the lovely products by the Evil Testing Service) and i notice that most of my scores are around 70%.

now i am from the school of thought that a C is the gentleman's F. (shout out to my AP Physics C teacher) so when i look at these scores i think man i failed. but for instance on the writing i got a 5.0 and its only out of 5.5 and i see that if i were to divide 5/5.5 i would have a 91% and that would be an A. hooray!!!

yes i am anal. yes i do over react. yes i do think to hard and maybe i am still above average!

beyonce and my self hate

its been a long time and i'm not gonna waste precious space reminiscing about blogging. i'm just gonna blog like i never left.

i bought the first beyonce album, dangerously in love. i am a shapely light skinned girl myself so of course i think she is beautiful but, i have never felt ubiquity. call me old fashioned but i want artists to be concerned with the ART more than the money. the artsyness is important to me and beyonce is a brand. so, i became pretty close to a beyonce hater.

its logical. i hate ubiquity. beyonce is ubiquitous. i hate beyonce. however, i am here to apologize because i was wrong.

its hard as hell to be a woman in front of my full length mirror. i imagine that it's a bajillion times harder to be a woman in front of the world. i have never been impressed with mrs. carter's seemingly blank expressions during interviews, but i saw this episode of tyra and i am confessing for all of my transgressions.

beyonce you are fierce and you are all about womanism in your own way. you just want women to feel important and powerful and sexy and how can i hate on any woman trying to pass that message along. you are working in your ministry. although we may not always agree on the means, you and i are definitely in sync on the ends.

i can't love bell hooks and hate you. i have got to love you and cheer for you and get excited about your success as a woman making strides for future women. on top of that, i need to feel sexy, and special, and empowered and you are giving me a soundtrack to which i can become what i desire.

hating you is hating me. what kind of woman hates women... won't be me!