big fat lohooser

so i had this expectation that upon graduating from college i would have this great outlook on life. it would be filled with clarity, a detailed five year plan, and prospects for potential husbands and places to live. WELL>>>I'm here now. Standing right on the thresh hold (sp ck) of the rest of my life more confused than ever. WHO KNEW? Well i guess my parents told me that i didn't know everything and to wait until life kicked me in the arrs a couple of times before i sound so self assured and self righteous, but besides them who knew? lol! i have seemingly given up on planning ahead. i really have come to grips with the lack of control i really have over most of my situations. i can only control how much i pray and work. God will dictate what actually happens. i was feeling like a big fat loohooser but i feel cool now! hey it happens!

p.s. if anyone wants to start a mango farm in a tropical climate holla at ur girl!

le old maid

i out the "le" in front of random things, pay me no mind. le frosted flakes, le ringworm...its all the same to me. anyways this whole college thing is really making me take a long hard look at my life and what i want out of it. four years of my life are behind me. four years of recklessness that i will never be able to get back. although i may not have thrown up from drunken-ness, got any nasty itchy scratchy, burning diseases, or flown somewhere just for a party, i spent WAY too much money on nothingness, ate too much take-out, and shopped at least once a week freshman year. i dunno why i feel like i should have some irresponsible fun times to add onto the glamour of trifling behavior. i dunno y i feel like i missed something because i didn't throw up somewhere drunk, have random sex or contract an STD (knock on wood). Somehow lacking is wisdom and common sense is how i always thought college would be, but not so much for me i guess. statistically i haven't really ever been randomly reckless, but i looked forward to it becoming a part of my life. unfortunately, it seems like the option of acting an ass is stripped away once i graduate. being drunk will no longer be cute, it will be a liability. smoking weed in public places won't be daring or courageous, it will be stupid and an unlawful offense, and mom and dad won't be able to claim me on their taxes which eliminates any possibility of mooching off of them until i am 35.

so ladies and gentlemen, i feel like an old maid. life decisions are abundant. and i am annoyed by the one option that i no longer have...indifference. i can't afford to say who the hell cares it'll happen if its sposed to. life is not going to allow me to be a lazy bum. i was explaining to these teenagers i mentor that when you leave your parents they stop punishing you and life starts KICKING your ASS!

real talk! my parents said it to me and i didn't believe them and i am saying it to them and they don't believe me, but that's real! life is SURELY kicking (or lightly tapping) my behind these days!

in other news... as i am annoyed that i don't have the fun or the type of fun that i see frolicking all around me on the promenade here in the AUC. i am simultaneously annoyed that people are so lackadaisacal about getting a quality education. i know i'm mad for no reason, but i am a little tiffed! When i first came to clark atlanta university i was sure that this would be an intellectual powerhouse of african centered thought and culture. WHOA! and WOWZERS! it is if you make it, but if this is the best and the brightest around here then i am a little scared because people are so apathetic about seemingly everything. all black people have is HOPE. that's all that our parents had and all that our ancestors had. oops! they also had work ethic which we also lack. so without hope and work black people are in SEEERIOUS trouble. i love clark atlanta but i want it to thrive in ways that i am not sure it has suince consolidation. i am willing to give my alumni money, my time and my energy to make it better, but damn. it might have been easier if i had gone to a howard, spelman, morehouse, fisk, hampton, bennet, where people have already gotten the ball rolling on the issue. maybe its because i am in the heart of it right now that i feel the way that i do, but sheesh mcgee.

so this is what happens when you haven't blogged for a while. its mental diarrhea (sp check.) somebody pass the pepto bismal (sp)so i can get back to studying for structural determination!

its over?

so i haven't posted anything in months. it feels like it should still be february or eraly march, but unfortunately its april. my life has fallen apart and been neatly placed back together thousands of times since my last post. i guess i'm a little older and a little wiser. i am mos def a lot more behind on my work and a lot less worried about the future. hmmm. i got the fellowship to brazil, didn't get into MIT, got a paper published in Journ. of Phys. Chem., but didn't get into Caltech, got into Cornell, but they advised I take some more classes, and I am FUH-failing Structural Determination like nobody's business right now. This life of mine is a crazy one. Everyone knows what I would like to hide and no one knows what I would like to publicize. Its so messy. Who knew that this is what adulthood would be? So I'll in Atlanta for the next year or so. The dates for the Brazil fellowship shifted to July -October which means I am inelligible for Fall 2006 graduate study. I guess that's good and bad. It's bad because I am already an old maid and I would rather not live my whole life in school. However, its good because I am finally leaving this America for a browner, more African version, and I'll have a little time to think about something instead of worrying about everything. I told this Buddhist lady that I would write an experience for Kosen-rufu gongyo (P.S. I'm Buddhist)about my hurdles with faith. I guess I should get on it. I also haven't done research for about a month and I have been avoiding my advisor, but I am getting over myself slowly but surely realizing for the 47th time that avoidance never makes anything go away. Plus, funds are low and I need to eat and function with those paychecks that I haven't been picking up.
In other news I had sex with the X-cut buddy. The spring time hit me hard and I was horny. But, I felt so nauseous the day after it happened. Perhaps it was because I could literally feel it in my gut during the act or maybe it was that good conscience of mine kicking my ass. Who knows? I don't think I'll be utilizing his services anymore. Anything that makes me sick the day after is a no-go! I just can't do it to myself.
Elections week is around the corner and as good as it is not to care because I am graduating, it is also so surreal to think about how this place will continue without the class of 2006. Arrogant, I know, but i never realistically thought that I would ever be this old or this far in my life. I thought my life was going to be over at 12. I was a little short-sighted I can admit, but that's where my head was at and every year after that one I am a little shocked that I am still on the planet farting around.

I saw Dick Gregory (excuse the scatter brain). Activist, historian, comedian. ignorant ass old guy all describe that man. He said NIGGER about 83 times and then yelled "if you don't like it then you're a nigger!" What Dick Gregory? Are you serious? I guess we can agree to disagree because you are out to lunch my man if you take yourself seriously on some ignorant shit like that.
Yeah so for the most part that's what has been up over here with your girl. I hope everything is pizzzopulating (:o) with everyone that might read this joint.