a life without regret

i have the habit of acting quite impulsively when it comes to matters of the heart (or pants). up until my trip to the developing world, i thought that this was a pretty cool habit. MAN, have sights of poverty, hardship, and Brasil changed that perspective! before coming here i had already decided that i needed to be celibate for a year. the weeks before graduation were filled with more drama than i will ever say in this blog. i was reckless and dumb and i have been having nightmares about some of the HORRIBLE choices I made during undergrad. I think i've had sex at most 10 times...at most. Of these ten times I didn't get off not once, and I didn't even like the guy I had most of the sex with. UGH! Its even hard to type these facts. Shame, shame, shame, wtf was i thinking about. ahhh then it hit me.

i came to school a virgin and graduated with 2 and a possible (this isn't spades, but i'm not counting the possible) sexual partners (not including dome). how did this travesty happen? i was trying to make my life more interesting by getting involved with men. and to think i refer to myself as a blackgirlgenius...UGH! anyway, 2 and a p, some embarassing sexual experiences, and 4 years later i feel like sending an apology letter to the boys i messed with. they probably don't give two shits about what happened, but i do. it is literally haunting me what i did with some of these young men. using people for dome or sex or attention is sooooo not cool. i don't know why i thought it was interesting to toy with people in that way, but before i start the blogging equivalent of johnny gill/keith sweat begging for forgiveness; i'm sorry. i am 98% sure these men don't read my rants anyway so i will have to get my scary behind together enough to apologize in person...UGH!

open your eyes, see who adores you

sometimes it takes me years to figure out what was really working for me because i was so distracted by all the things that weren't. i can pull up countless examples from academia to boys to style...ah so much wasted time on trying to be what it wasn't in the cards for me to be. the blessing is that i'm still breathing and i have at the very least this moment to change this pattern

dear life..please slow down..thanks..moko

damn. life is on coke right now. okay maybe that was a bad analogy, but life is really on the move. all my favorite tv shows have been cancelled for years. my favorite songs are almost a decade old if not more. people i went to school with are mommas and poppas. its all too much. it's got me feeling a little lonely. my parents told me that life would challenge my friendships, but who really listens to them. i surely wasn't trying to hear that. i knew it all until i moved out. ever since then, i've been clear that i don't know anything! it's quite a relief to know that you don't know. you are relinquished from being disappointed at wrong choices and bad moves. anyways back to the point...a bunch of my homies didn't go to college. now four years later from the time where i thought that none of that mattered i see how it might matter. i am not the girl that left my mom's house. i don't talk like that girl. i don't dress like her. i don't have her style. i don't even do what she did. we might listen to the same music, but i ain't her. but people from back home that never left home are a lot like they were four years ago. not saying that's always bad, if it ain't broke don't fix it, but it makes me look like a stranger to them. i don't know where i am going with this blog. life is on the move i guess i just have to catch up.

hopeless

i have always been a dreamer. i think that's y i can achieve so much. i am always dreaming about what's next, what could be better, whatever. anyway, as i have grown older, i have become momentarily disenchanted by the world. it seems that the revolution of yesteryears will not come again in the way it was here before. like the second coming of christ ( if you believe in this), the revolution will look completely different. more than likely it will be less about drugs and evenly shaped fros, less about charismatic male leaders leadig marches, and more about regular people getting off their asses. (Maybe that's what the 1st one was about, but history has been distorted.) Anyway, a girl like me still dreams. Those paralyzing moments of indifference and apathy are rare. I always know that I will return to the person that I was destined to be...a dreamer.

Okay so I have seasonal dreams. Usually around the beginning of fall/end of summer I begin dreaming about love. Not that play play love, but that real OMG this one is THE ONE. He picks out all the starbursts that I don't like ONE. He watches old Kid-N-Play cartoons with me ONE. He has a job, can make complete sentences, and thinks Nas won the Jay-Z battle ONE. Yeah, this description of the ONE, this fantasy has changed and grown as I have grown and changed. At first, he just had to be fresh, real nice to me, and filled with potential. I guess at this point I wanted in my ONE what I wanted from myself. After more thought, I think that's always what I want from my fantasy,what I want from myself. So now at my old age, I want this dude to read the newspaper, read books, love hip hop and soul music, watch 80s cartoons and eat sugary cereal. I aslo want dude to have a good job and a passion for something. Ideally, this guy doesn't say the N-word. Hmmm! How many people does that already exclude? That word is so ugly. There are a bunch of other words I would prefer my ONE not use, but I know I am being outrageous with all of that. oh yeah and the ONE MUsT bAnG for black people. Take that as you may. That might mean tutoring or mentorring, it might mean buying black. Whatever, you must BANG mr.OnE.

ahhh another day of random thoughts...the end of summer...counting the days to my return to the states!