fiona and my neurosis

So its not really new news to me that I am a bit neurotic. My friends have been telling me for at least 4 years that I worry too much. And, my parents have always thought that the way I judge everybody and everything is a little nutso. However, lately, I've been fed up with it too. I once thought that it was a quirky part of me that makes me me, but sanity has slowly been creeping into my thoughts. Subsequently the invasion of some good sense has really been reminding me of some not so good habits I have of handling my perfectionism. I was anorexic during my preteens and I've been smoking lately to try and curb the anger I have towards myself. Deep shit...maybe, but I am pretty sure this time what I am going through is closer to normal than I give myself credit for. I have noticed that its much easier for me to be honest about my problems when I handle what I can handle. When my grades are bad and the stuff I know I should handle is left incomplete it makes everything blurry. Contrastingly, when I can do what I can do to the fullest I am more clear about when I am tripping. Fiona Apple is very much singing her depressed, anguished melodies about the same things that plague me. Most of my life, like my girl Fiona, is lived out in my head. I am so mental. Because I am so mental, I wasn't really able to listen to anybody else talk to me or give me direction because I was too busy listening to my own dissertation. I think its a little like verbal abuse. The verbal abuse just transforms into my abuse of privelege, time, people, and physical self. Now that might be some deep shit. I wonder if that's the reason my dad drinks or why my mom neglects herself. Maybe I do have some problems with forgiving myself and other people. Hmmmm! It's something to think about. But, I refuse to be obsessed anymore. I claim that I have been trying, but this year I really have to battle my mental abuse issues.

In the real world, it seems that everybody can easily understand the fallacy of perfection. People wild out and move on. I think too much , which I am sure anyone reading this could detect.

back in the A

It was nice to go home, but I am glad my stay was brief. I still haven't moved past some stuff that I left, and its a drag going back for a long period of time to stare that crap in the face. So I'm here in the A having a bit of buyer's remorse cuz I just bought a computer. And yeah the computer that I have although it isn't that old has keys falling off of it and has every STD known to computers. Since I need to finish my apps before the 14th I thought this was a wise decision. I was going to buy a sidekick but that would be more for entertainment, rather than work. I really can see myself downloading a grad app onto that little ass thing. Hmmm, I guess I'll see how it goes man. Some pretty exciting things went down in MD that I don't wish to disclose at the moment, but I'm sure I'll divulge later.

back in md

It feels so great to eat for free and live for free. I know that shouldn't be the only reason that I come home, but damn its a perk. Man, being a kid is the life. How come I couldn't enjoy this when it was afforded to me on the regular.

serendipity

So with all the good stuff goin on like school ending, going home and all that...I miss the GRE!
What the {insert expletive here} If I was even a bit more like my former self I would have had 5 cows. I had 2 and a half and didn't curse and for me that is something.

ahhh its over

I've been getting real nostalgic about undergrad this week. it seems so surreal that its almost over. this is my last fall semester and even though some of my grades aren't as pristine as i would like this time around, i am still really happy to be here at good ole CAU! This place is divine!

going nuts

so after yesterday's fiasco involving a pe final you would think that i regained my sanity and have moved on with life...not quite. it is only at this time of the year that i comfortably roam the earth with a broken out face, yellow teeth, coffee breath, malnutritioned, with dirty clothes on and honestly feel damn good about myself. at any other moment, one of these things would disturb me. i might have a pity party or four and sit around "woe is meing." yes dear friends it is moments like these where it becomes transparent why i am in school. it is not about who like me or who doesn't, what rumors are circling, or even learning. it becomes clear that i am in school to get As. now some of you may not have been expecting that epiphany, but that's what it's about. some of my colleagues take the 50 cent/Malcolm X approach to finals(By any means necessary, get As or die trying), but I choose the Jamiroquai way of things and go virtually insane. It is driving me nuts and as much as I would like to say that I hate living on the brink of insanity. There is a sweet joy of knowing I have and will always survive these things. Stresses beyond academia would probably kill me. This is my only domain of conquer. All other facets of life conquer me or at least beat me down a little. School is a worthy adversary of mine. I have learned the art of war in the classroom. (Yeah, I might be thinking too much. But this joint is called going nuts!)

ahhhhhhhhh!!!

I MISSED MY PE FINAL. WHAT THE HELL

isn't it ironic

again, this is of course random, because its me. after i finished my excruciatingly painful adv. orgo final, i started thinking about judgment. with me i think that i judge people on their actions towards me and other people. i don't think i judge on looks too often. however, i expect people to judge me on what i have or what i don't have, what i was blessed with too much of or too little. i expect people to be hella shallow. often i get what i expect. so to change the world or at least my sphere of the world do i need to expect more. i am thinking yes. however, this little philosophical theory doesn't consider how incredibly hard it is to be optimistic. but if i expect myself to be optimistic...i guess i will be. if i expect cau to be fabulous it will be...if i expect to get into harvard i will?

enjoy the moment

it all started friday...i got an A on an advanced orgo test (i never get As in this class) and i took an HIV test and was negative. needless to say i was super excited! just when life couldn't get any better my friend called and said she was coming to visit me and i got an extension on an assignment. as i walked down the street i was sure that the day was too good to be true and it was! i went to publix and left my wallet at the checkout. somebody picked it up before i got back and took my money...damn it!...then i left my keys in my friend's car and she drove back to macon with them...damn it...then i was getting ready to go to this morehouse party and my friend locked her keys in my house and i didn't have any keys to get back in...damn it...then we got lost on the way to the morehouse thing and when we arrived it was WACK and then a fight broke out...damn, damn, damn! so the moral of this story is to enjoy the moment. i shouldn't anticipate what is to come. i should just live for the here and now!

compassion

I thought yesterday was going to be a pretty boring day at school considering the semester ended on Wednesday. I was planning to go to the computer lab, finish a paper, and celebrate world AIDS day by getting a test, but most of that didn't happen. I got to the computer lab and remembered that I left some research at home. On the walk home I see these huge posters for the most ignorant shit ever in life. (It is so ignorant I dare not repeat it on here.) I tried to walk past them and I did, but I promptly turned around and ripped as many as I could down. By this point I am pissed and I have to tell someone. So I go to the tattoo parlor (where a bunch of my friends work) and I tell them about this horrorific crap. One of my friends in there is really feeling as upset as I am over it, but another one thinks that I am selling it. So now I am really pissed. I start emailing and IM-ing everyone that I think could possibly help me and decide to go home.

So just when I'm sure the story is over, I start walking back to school and I see more posters up. With tears in my eyes, I start tearing them down. I could only hold 30 or so but I was satified. I called the SGA president and took the posters to his room. And I took them to this NAACP guy.

I know this is probably arrogant or egotistical, but I am very proud of me. I cared. Its nice to care about things that directly effect your life like closing departments at your school and such (a lot of people don't care about that). But I am really happy to care about most people. That is such a blessing. There are a lot of people who want to care more, but they can't. They feel as if their heart is closed or something. So I am happy that I do.

A friend of mine called me confused because I cared so much, yet I think I am the sane one in a world where people are so afraid to be hurt that they never love as fully as they could. I certainly wasn't always like this, but I am thankful that I am now.

they call me moko

I am still in awe over A. Lorde's book. That lady is my shero! She talks a lot about fear and the more I read the more I understand how I am a slave to my insecurities. I used to think I had a problem with paralyzing fear and before yesterday I thought I was done with it. I was kidding myself. So, I'm confronting my fears. There are no parts of my life that are open to everyone, but because I tell someone something doesn't mean that most or even half of the people I speak to know the majority of the story on me. So here goes...

Yeah I'm in Ndugu and Nzinga. If you are waiting to ostracize me because of it; you are a little late. I've been in it whole heartedly for about a year and I half assed it for a year before that. For those of you who go to CAU and have no idea what I'm talking about, Ndugu and Nzinga are the folks that hang out by that the tree behind Haven-Warren. And they call me MOKO! (Karamoko: she studies the universe) The haircut was because I crossed; the natural was because I joined. I think those are the basics. It is an organization committed to developing holistically "good people." It isn't militant. We don't want to kill whitey and it has NOTHING to do with Spark O.N.E.

And yeah...I'm Buddhist. I've been studying it since I was 12, but my mom and dad weren't to keen on the idea so I didn't start practicing until January of this year. I still listen to gospel music and I read the Bible more than ever. The principles of Christianity are great and I agree with the tenets of loving people and doing right by them. However, Christianity doesn't feed my spirit the way Buddhism does.

Well...I think that those are all the unknowns that I have been fearful of people knowing. The crazy thing is that the people I've been hiding this from I don't really even talk to like that.