my voice/ ambiguous break up

I am always rediscovering myself and my voice. sometimes i get so submerged in the world that i forget to look inside and that leaves me feeling nutty. anyways the ambig. b/f is kuputz and as much as it feels bad it feels good for a number of reasons.
1. i really am worth a commitment. i think my whole fear of it is really a manifestation of not caring enough about myself.
2. i can stop living in fear that every word i say will somehow change my place in someone's heart. whether or not he evaluated my every action and comment i felt like he did and that feeling was THE WORST. that palpable self consciousness made me needy for his affirmation and scared to share all of myself with him for fear of rejection.
3. back to school work. its bad enough i have senioritis. i don't need to sit around and think about some boy all day long too. i'll never graduate like that.

so overall i'm happy i let it go!

quarter life crisis

My friend Kat has been talking about a quarter life crisis for at least the past 3 years. I always kind of looked at her with this strange "Whatever you say" look. BUt now it is coming back to haunt me. I am feeling like hot friggin crap these days. Too much responsibility not enough youthfulness. I just don't know how to deal. My responsibilities/commitments to other things outweigh my own and that is a horrible way to feel at 21. I might be ignorant...I ain't got no kids, nah mean! I don't think I should have to think so freaking hard about everything. Somehow I know that this is my way of trying to slide into irresponsibility but I feel like I am due some. I am a good kid. I do what I'm sposed to. I am self sufficient, moderately independent and have been for 4 years, and I am graduating this MAY. I think I deserve to do the dumb things now. Somehow I have to find a way to not be nuts!

yellowman

What a fantastic play. I am so lucky to have friends that are photographers, authors, scientists, and ministers. I love that I know so many different people and that they tolerate me enough to invite me to things and love me. It really is amazing. A friend of mine starred in the two- man play "Yellowman" and it was absolutely fantastic. It explored the intraracial racism that exists among Black folks. Whew! It was great. in other news... I am steady on the graduate application grind. I showl will be glad whe it is over!!!