can't keep running away

So lately I have really been having a hard time dealing. The dude I like hasn't called me since Dec. 28. My dad thinks our relationship is wonderful and I can't stop thinking that that's a lie. He's an alcoholic and I have always been very uncomfortable with him because I know that's him. I feel really helpless about him and that in particular. And then my money hasn't posted for school and I have to apply to grad school with crappy grades and GREs. It's been tough. What has been tougher is that I feel like there is practically no one that wants to hear about all this shit that is eating me alive. So I have just been trying my best to cope alone. Thus, I have been smoking and drinking (which is completely out of character). WOWZERS! Is this life or just a re-enactment of my dad? It's sick when you become what you hate.

i resolve to be a sex-addicted anorexic malaysian cheerleader this year

Yeah...the title is outlandish on purpose. it represents how i have been looking at life for the past 21 years or so. i am a hot smelly mess. thank god that some people choose to tolerate my antics. i contemplated calling my estranged cut friend for a quickie. now i partially want some sex, but i know that that is a BAD idea for many reasons. 1) Unless i am high i will remember mid-stroke that i don't like him 2) i really like someone else that i am insecure about liking 3) i broke off with him on SUPER bad terms (SUUUUUPPPPPEEERRRRR. But because I am absolutely insane I consider the most ridiculous things as options. Ah what a LIFE!

maybe i don't want to

the graduate application process sucks major ass, but maybe it sucks so much because i don't really want to go. i know that i do want to go, but i hate filling out all these applications. i really wish i had a year to decide what i want to do with the rest of my life. rushing to do this is really horrible. everyday i find out something new that i have to fix before i can get what i need. AHHHHH! so now the forgiveness policy isn't going to work because i took organic at spelman when i took that crap the 1st time. it all sucks so badly!!! so tom. i have to go to school and in addition to asking people if they found the money they said they had for me, working with my slack ass mentor and filling out these apps, i have to convince somebody that i need the forgiveness policy. My GOD MY GOD! what is all of this my gre sucks my grades are looking ugly right about now and i am supposed to sit down and take it all with a smile. i am getting ready to say hello to a masters at georgetown or emory and goodbye to this madness.

letting god do her job

so last night i witnessed a whole bunch of people get this responsibility lecture. i was very thankful that i heard it because i have been chilling a little too hard this break. i knew i needed to get my butt up to school this morning to make sure my financial aid stuff was in place. so i get up here and i am greeted by this prof that once told me not to go to this summer fellowship. anyway he tells me that i should apply to this prestigious grad school because they are looking for students with my credentials. then, i find out that my scholarship stuff isn't in order and that i have $0.00 credited to my account. ok so i was gonna freak out but i figured there's no point. so i went back to the grad school research and started to debate whether i would take the gre AGAIN for the third time to try and boost my score. luckily i got thte point that i should let god do her job. if i do everything that i can do and still come up short i shouldn't over compensate and try and do more. i should be happy with my best. i think that rather than drive myself crazy trying to do everything perfectly; i should pray. god is god for a reason and if i say that i believe i should leave things in her hands.

this is a tad long

I never cease to amaze myself. Now this isn’t the arrogant rave that you might be expecting. I am actually dumbfounded by my incessant ignorance. Just when I think I know something- surprise- I don’t. He says “I love the sound of your voice; I love your personality; I love that you are yourself.” Yet, somehow that gets processed in my head to “I am not sexually attracted to you.” How that happens I am not so sure. I haven’t really come up with the mental disability I must have that causes me to misinterpret someone’s refusal to objectify and degrade me to the land of platonic friendship.
I am not what I would consider a dime. When I get dressed up I might be a nickel, but on the everyday going-to-school-shit-to-do type days I wear a hoodie and am sometimes mistaken for a Muslim because I am so covered up. Don’t be confused I don’t think I am busted either, but I know I don’t work out or get my hair done or put in the necessary effort to be the object of the world’s sexual desire. Considering all of that and thinking for everyone else and myself, I forget that my standard may not be everyone else’s. And, that my idea of my beauty is constructed from an amalgamate of MTV/BET/Melyssa Ford/ Beyonce images that float around in my memory.
So what I may have done is royally screwed up something really good and wholesome by trying to convince someone who loves me to just love my vagina. However, my saving grace is that I am 99% sure that this guy already knew that I had this mental disability and liked me anyway. One can only hope, right. What is even more ridiculous is that I know and love and respect him for his flaws and I adore him. Why can’t I be happy when people give me the same in return. I don’t understand why I insist on being ridiculous. I really, honestly wish I could quit. I just read, When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost, and that only affirmed my assessment of my insanity. Although, it also allowed me to read that other successful Black women have the same problem.
One very important thing I got from the book was that boys don’t realize how much they love the women they love until they get older. I instantly thought of my relationship with this guy from high school when I read it. In the eleventh grade I couldn’t have been closer to this guy. Our ambiguous relationship was contained to our best attempt at a platonic relationship because he had a girlfriend. In high school it wasn’t important that we spent everyday together either on the phone or in person doing homework, researching colleges, filming history video projects, or enjoying each other. What mattered was that his girlfriend was cute with fresh sneaks and willing to give up her Vicky’s. I knew it wasn’t enough that we liked each other.


Later realization…

I often ask myself why I can’t have the same relationship with men once they transform from friend to potential boo. Why can’t I openly talk to them about my fears in the same candid way I once did during the friendship? Well I am sure that its my fault and until now I didn’t know where to place the blame in my life. Ah…clarity, how refreshing. For one when a guy is just my friend I am not thinking about them and obsessing over every little detail like I am when I am romantically involved with them. Reason # 4007 why I shouldn’t be in a relationship. I am too desperate for romantic affection. But back to the point- I thought that the change I was making was just an emotional investment one. No sir, things can’t be that easy. I think that men’s feelings are more easily swayed when romantic feelings are involved because they are fleeting. I don’t think that friendship is just a matter of “Oh I’m not feeling them anymore.” I think there is more to friendship. Thus I go through romantic relationships in weeks and have friends for decades. Hmmm! I’m onto something. If I don’t call Kathryn or Obes for months I know they still love me unconditionally. If I look busted, have bad grades and a nickel in my bank account, I never expect their love to waver. However I believe that my looks will dictate the nature of my relationship with romantic interests! Sick- ay. That reminds me again about high school guy, damn. That boy and I need to have a long talk. Many of my constructs about the impossibilities of relationships start right there. I need to let go of that, pronto.

At least I know where it came from!